Trishna: 1.5 stars

Bathroom Meter: 1.5 out of 5 stars. People seem to spend more time hanging out in the bathroom than actually watching the film. They’re probably trying to pour cold water on themselves because EVERY GODDAMN SCENE SHOWS THE TWO MAIN CHARACTERS HAVING SEX.

Also known as “Softcore Porn.”

Based on the 1891 novel, Tess of the D’Urbervilles. Set in India. The story of an abusive relationship between the spoiled son of a property developer and the daughter of an auto rickshaw owner.

Have I sat down to watch it? No way.

Have I theater-watched it? I’ve seen the second half, including the end. Don’t want to see anymore.

Main Audience Demographic: A mixture of people. Lots of Indian women.

Audience reaction as they leave the theater: Not good. They look pissed off, and they’re pretty quiet.

Best comment: “At least they really captured the beauty of India.”

Worst comment: Shaking head or giving us the thumbs-down as they leave the film.

So basically, if you want to know what happens in the entire movie, just watch this trailer! It gives away everything! Yay!

See it or not? No. Please don’t. Unless you just want to see a horrible sexual relationship between two screwed-up people. And I’m sorry, but Freida Pinto did not impress me in this. She basically had one facial expression the entire time.

“Yes, I’d like to audition for the role of Kristen Stewart.”

I understand the character is repressed and all, and she’s supposed to be internalizing everything until she just snaps…but it doesn’t mean she needs to look like a robot.

And HOLY CRAP that lead guy is annoying. Why would she go for such a douchebag? He’s obviously going to turn into a womanizing, cocky abuser!

Sigh. Maybe I’m not the one to review stuff based on novels from the 1800’s. I just can’t wrap my brain around the assbackwardness of that era. Although I loved Pride & Prejudice (the movie; I haven’t read the book). It didn’t bug me at all. Maybe because Keira Knightley isn’t easily confused with an android.

And Matthew Macfadyan is…well…do I even need to say anything?

(You’re welcome.)


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