Cosmopolis: 1.5 Stars

Bathroom Meter: 1.5 out of 5 stars. Almost as many walk-outs and refunds as last year’s The Tree of Life. Just like that film, this one caters to a small demographic (this one even smaller than Tree’s) who might call it “brilliant,” but I’m just here to report the average response from our guests. And the verdict is…

This movie SUCKS.

Robert Pattinson couldn’t even stay awake during filming.

A young billionaire takes a day-long limo ride through protests and riots in Manhattan, learning that his assassination may be imminent.

The reason for this limo ride?

He needs a haircut.

Yeah, I guess it was getting a little out of hand.

Have I sat down to watch it? God, no.

Have I theater-watched it? Yes, I’ve seen the whole thing in bits and pieces.

Main Audience Demographic: A weird mix of badass-looking men who are obviously in love with Cronenberg, and non-badass-looking women who are obviously in love with Pattinson.

Audience reaction as they leave the theater: Holy crap, they’re PISSED!

Best comment: “At least Paul Giamatti was in it.”

Worst comment: “That was the worst movie in the history of all movies.”

See it or not? If you enjoy listening to crazy people talk to themselves in the street, or if you like hearing jokes in another language, or if you’re just a die-hard Cronenberg fan, then you might enjoy this movie.

Also, if you want to witness the worst green-screen-car-driving-scenes in history, this is the film for you.

Otherwise…STAY AWAY. Don’t waste your money. The film is a pretentious attempt at satire, but it can’t even do that right. It’s boring as shit, and too random for its own good, with a lead actor who doesn’t understand the meaning of anything he’s saying. Robert Pattinson saying these cerebral lines is like a two-year-old reciting Shakespeare. Yeah, the kid might be able to say the words, but he can’t make us care. And with dialogue (err…monologues?) as confusing as this, we really have no chance of understanding it anyway.

The only time you’ll even come close to caring is when Paul Giamatti’s character comes into play. But by then, it’s too late. You’ve already given up and walked out.

(And hopefully snuck into a better movie.)

Sorry, RPatz. Better luck next time.

But hey, they say you should stick to what you know, right? So…

Keep sparkling, buddy!

“Pansy!”

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