Thinking about seeing a movie tonight? Need some advice? Want to know which ones are good and which ones just plain suck? I can help you out.

I’m an usher at a fancy schmancy movie theater. The kind with reserved seating, couches, and a concierge. And a barista. A barista! At a movie theater! It’s madness. Beautiful, beautiful madness.

By night I’m a screenwriter, but of course it doesn’t pay the bills. (Not yet, at least.) Hence the day-job. Being an usher pays shit, but it’s the most fun job I’ve ever had, and free movies all the time isn’t a bad deal. Especially since I work at a theater that actually plays good films. We get the big ones, but we also get the awesome indie/foreign stuff that no one has heard of.

As for the blog name, I’m referring to the best advice I’ve ever received as a screenwriter: “When you write a film, you should make it absolutely impossible for your audience to find a good opportunity to run to the bathroom.” That being said, I can’t help but notice exactly how many people run to the bathroom during each movie, and how fast they run. Or walk. Or stroll. Or get some popcorn. Or flirt with the concession stand girl. Or leave the theater. Or- oh, shit. They left the theater. Shame on you, screenwriter. SHAME.

As a warning: I’ll try not to give too many spoilers. But it might happen. Accidentally.  When your whole life revolves around movies, you kind of get a skewed view of what counts as a spoiler. I’ll try my best not to tell you that everyone dies in the end. Or if it’s a Tarantino film, I just won’t tell you how they die.

Have fun, people. And try not to get a bladder infection.


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